Sunday, May 12, 2013

A Real Mother's Day

I awoke this morning to breakfast in bed - angel's food cake, a chocolate covered strawberry, melon, kettle corn and dried mangoes.  My family showered me with handmade cards and gifts and my 10 year old son even made a digital love note using clip art and google images.

I ate the chocolate covered strawberry and melon and went back to sleep hoping that the nightmare I had been dreaming would resolve itself.  Unfortunately, it picked up where it left off and when I finally did rise, I was feeling pretty blue.  Isn't it weird how dreams can effect your waking life?

The reality that my husband remains infected despite the chemotherapy he underwent for a year, has started to set in and the sadness I have been unable to express in my waking life has decided to show itself while I am asleep.  Even now, as I stare at my keyboard, I really don't know what to say.

My life is so good and my world is full of promise.  We just returned from a magical vacation at Disneyland, we have a beautiful hay garden blooming in our backyard, my children are flourishing in academics, tae kwon do/ ballet, and as tiny humans,  my husband treats me like a princess, I have a remarkable group of women who truly love me as much as I love them, I have an incredibly supportive extended family who has been there for us both emotionally and financially this past year and I am able to do lots and lots of scrapbooking and crafting as both a profession and as a hobby.  It really is a breathtaking inventory of blessings and today I am numb to it because I feel a sadness I can't explain.

It isn't like he is symptomatic - he actually feels better now than he did a few weeks ago when he was still on treatment.  The truth is there is no way of really knowing what this illness has in store for him.  Worrying now is just living a possible reality that hasn't happened and may never happen.  I am conscience of this but my insides still feel heavy, sad and really uncomfortable.

So I faked it today.  I smiled and laughed and played and listened.  All the things a mother does for her children, a wife does for her husband  and a daughter does for her mother.  If anything I was the epitome of what a mother really is.  Someone who puts her best foot forward regardless of how she is feeling and loves even when it doesn't feel like there is any love to give.  I guess today was truly my day.  All I can say at this point is I really hope tomorrow things get back to normal tomorrow.