quiet changes

Geesh, I am so embarrassed that I have not blogged in so long. There are a number of reasons for this - the biggest being Facebook. It so much more convenient with it's post boxes and walls and when I write something, it speaks directly to the people I know. I also like that there is a conversation aspect to FB whereas with blogging, most people. skim and move on. Comments are not super common and you have to leave them to get them - which is another thing I have not done in a long time.

Another reason I have had Blog Silence is that I have been simplifying my life. Not as a New Years resolution or because a doctor said I would drop dead of a heart attack if I didn't make some changes, but because it felt good. One day I was playing with my kids and I thought "this is fun!" The next day I made a nice dinner and thought "how come I don't do this more often?" The following day I took a walk that turned into a jog and then I took a nap and I was delighted by the thrill of spontaneity and that I had prioritized self care over posting an item on Etsy, finishing my homework or putting in some billable hours.

These kinds of experiences came up day after day and I started to get greedy for the feeling that I was having. I could not quite put my finger on it...and then...Holy crap... I'm happy. I had let go of the guilt, anxiety and fear that had kept me going while I was sick and recovering. I did not need it anymore to accomplish the chores of my life. I was getting out of bed pain free most days and I wasn't worrying about when the next attack would be coming on. I never realized how much energy it took to be in pain.

I could have easily re-focused that energy by working harder in school, finally finishing the laundry, making more money and/or volunteering more at my kid's school but I decided to marinade in the free time a while. At first it was so uncomfortable that I thought I might have some kind of panic attack. I was overcome with unfocused anxiety but I went through it and things improved.

I started listening to music again...not in the background mind you, but sitting on the couch and listening to a CD. I stopped drinking so much caffeine and started drinking green food. It doesn't taste as good but I feel better. Most importantly, I experienced deep gratitude for the little things. A dollar in my pocket, the sound of the wind swishing through the trees, that my husband or I always say "I was just about to say that." whenever the other one makes a comment. I also realized that I do not have to continue participating in things that are uncomfortable, unsafe and/ or toxic. I am allowed to bend like a reed in the wind and remain where I stand whether it pleases others or not. I don't want to hurt anyone but I don't want to hurt me either so I'm stepping back from the nonsense that I have felt obligated to do and I now get to have Saturdays where we sit around the kitchen table and say "what do you want to do today."