Wednesday, May 5, 2010

quiet changes

Geesh, I am so embarrassed that I have not blogged in so long. There are a number of reasons for this - the biggest being Facebook. It so much more convenient with it's post boxes and walls and when I write something, it speaks directly to the people I know. I also like that there is a conversation aspect to FB whereas with blogging, most people. skim and move on. Comments are not super common and you have to leave them to get them - which is another thing I have not done in a long time.

Another reason I have had Blog Silence is that I have been simplifying my life. Not as a New Years resolution or because a doctor said I would drop dead of a heart attack if I didn't make some changes, but because it felt good. One day I was playing with my kids and I thought "this is fun!" The next day I made a nice dinner and thought "how come I don't do this more often?" The following day I took a walk that turned into a jog and then I took a nap and I was delighted by the thrill of spontaneity and that I had prioritized self care over posting an item on Etsy, finishing my homework or putting in some billable hours.

These kinds of experiences came up day after day and I started to get greedy for the feeling that I was having. I could not quite put my finger on it...and then...Holy crap... I'm happy. I had let go of the guilt, anxiety and fear that had kept me going while I was sick and recovering. I did not need it anymore to accomplish the chores of my life. I was getting out of bed pain free most days and I wasn't worrying about when the next attack would be coming on. I never realized how much energy it took to be in pain.

I could have easily re-focused that energy by working harder in school, finally finishing the laundry, making more money and/or volunteering more at my kid's school but I decided to marinade in the free time a while. At first it was so uncomfortable that I thought I might have some kind of panic attack. I was overcome with unfocused anxiety but I went through it and things improved.

I started listening to music again...not in the background mind you, but sitting on the couch and listening to a CD. I stopped drinking so much caffeine and started drinking green food. It doesn't taste as good but I feel better. Most importantly, I experienced deep gratitude for the little things. A dollar in my pocket, the sound of the wind swishing through the trees, that my husband or I always say "I was just about to say that." whenever the other one makes a comment. I also realized that I do not have to continue participating in things that are uncomfortable, unsafe and/ or toxic. I am allowed to bend like a reed in the wind and remain where I stand whether it pleases others or not. I don't want to hurt anyone but I don't want to hurt me either so I'm stepping back from the nonsense that I have felt obligated to do and I now get to have Saturdays where we sit around the kitchen table and say "what do you want to do today."


  1. True Freedom of the Spirit, Let it Soar Girl!! Love you to Pieces I get it and Understand what your saying totally!!