Conflicted

I spent the last five days in a completely creative state. I had a zillion and one things to do but I ignored my responsibilities and played in my studio. I made a dozen adorable cards, designed a 12 x 12 album for my "Intro to Scrapbooking" class and created a weekly calendar book for my purse. I can't explain how much I enjoy the state of creativity. It is better than chocolate, infatuation or a day at the spa. Most of life's greatest pleasures come from external sources but creativity comes from the inside and thus the high is nothing less than serenity.

This morning however, I found myself in a conflicted state. Half of me buzzing from the many hours I spent in the studio and the other half, heavy with guilt. Apparently, my committee held an emergency meeting while I was asleep and decided that responsible adults should not play when there is work to be done. I awoke to the disapproving chatter of all the people who live in my head and they made it abundantly clear that I should feel an equal portion of guilt to the joy due to my lack of initiative and poor judgment. It wasn't until I crossed a dozen things off of my list that I became aware that I did not feel like I deserved to be happy until my life was in order. No smiles, or giggles, or quiet moments allowed until the beds are made, the laundry is folded and the floor is swept, don't you know! A few hours later, still wading through my chores, I realized that this rule; this belief; this absurdity; was robbing me of joyous moments. More precious than gold or diamonds, joy is too precious a commodity to squander for a clean house. I've realized how lucky I am that I can experience joy so easily through scrapbooking and other forms of artistic expression. It fills me up which helps me to give more freely of myself. And lets face it, when mommy's happy, the whole family wins.